Difficult Day

Today was one of those days where I battled myself. And those are frustrating days. I woke up early this morning and thought it was going to be a good productive day. I'm ending the day by going to bed early and not feeling very productive. A number of things troubled me today. One was that I woke up from a dream that wasn't very happy and then couldn't shake the dream all day. Another was that my heart was racing all day. I felt like I was constantly in a fight-or-flight mode. And the longer it lasted, the more annoyed and upset I got. There was absolutely nothing to make me feel this way, and yet it persisted. I suppose it was my anxiety coming to an odd height today. My anxiety has been surprisingly controlled given what's been going on. And then today struck. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. And I'm not sure where I was going to go. I just felt the need to be gone.

So naturally I did what I always do when my anxiety kicks in for no apparent reason. I got annoyed. I was mad at myself for not being able to control the panicked feeling. Which didn't make anything better, but there it was. So I spent the day kinda jumpy, a little annoyed and feeling as though I had something major happening at the end of it all. Like I had a final I hadn't studied for.

And it's still going on. I still have this jumpy and irrational feeling. It's maddening. The only thing I could think of to do to help it was to get my work done and go to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up and it will be over. I wanted to hit the gym and work off the anxiety, but naturally I felt like I had too much to do to go to the gym. And I managed to hurt my back last night. I kept waking up in odd positions on my side and could feel my neck and back screaming. Not sure what I was doing to cause this, but apparently something in the way I was sleeping was causing me enough pain to wake up and move.

So I'm going to go to bed. Early again. I just hope when I wake up in the morning the anxiety is gone. Or a least fading away. I'm not really in the mood to fight against myself again. I have too many other battles to fight.