Keeping the Mind Busy

I've been on an odd emotional roller-coaster the last two weeks. At times I'm wanting to throw the towel in and walk away from everything. School starts again on Monday. I sat down earlier to work on reading and thankfully that cleared my mind. For a few moments. But what I was reading was about family estate planning, and that led my thoughts to a dark path. One I desperately avoided by focusing on each word individually for some time before moving to the next. Then I began reading for my Civil Liberties class...that was enough to shake me out of my funk.  Constitutional issues are mind-consuming.

I find I'm loneliest when I'm surrounded by people. The law school crowd just isn't the warm blanket I crave. I want to run to my best friends arms and bury myself there. They aren't here. I assure myself that I can and will do this as I've got five quarters left and there's only one path through it. But then all the small rabbit trails hit me and I'm lost for a little while. I want desperately to go to sleep and wake up when it's done. I'm not a fan of this journey. I'm not a fan of more difficult decisions and trying times. I'd like things to even out for awhile. But I'm not sure they will.

I keep looking at the calendar assuming it's already September. It feels like it's been a month since this drama began. It hasn't been. I keep hearing that time will heal. The bitter irony is when one is having fun, time flies; when one is going through hell, it stops.

It's an interesting study of the human brain. At times I feel as though I'm not myself, but just an observer. I watch myself go through a gambit of emotions. It's like a circus. The anger, the self-loathing, the bitterness, the sorrow, the sudden feeling of everything being okay, only to be in tears moments later.

This too shall pass.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this post, except the one thing I've been told most is to keep the mind busy because time will heal. I've begun to chuckle inside when I hear this. Keep the mind busy they say. It's very busy, just completely focused on the past two weeks. Completely consumed in a nightmare. I have less than three days to get it back on track. Perhaps Monday's alarm clock will be that jolt that pulls me out of the insane dance I've been dancing in my head. I really hope it is.