If You're Going Through Hell, Keep Going--Churchill

It's been a long summer. I successfully did not write about it as intended. I wish I had now, as it would be nice to look back on it fondly and remember the fun. Let me see if I can piece it together from my daily planner.

May 21st I did not go to the Mediation. Monty injured himself, I'm assuming from jumping over the fence to get in the front yard, and I was worried he might have broken something. Therefore I took him to the vet, then I did Pilates and finally I drove to Waco as I was attending the RenFest the next day near Dallas. May 23rd I saw Iron Man 2 with my dad, and spent the afternoon with my mom until I had to leave for dance class at 4pm.
The week of the 24th: worked, went to dance class, went to the gym twice, H&H once and did pilates on Friday.
Memorial Day: mowed the yard, went on a bike ride downtown and got snow cones.
June 1st: worked, picked up Max, talked to my mom
June 2nd: Worked, hung out with my mom until dance at 8:30
June 3rd: worked, photography class
June 4th: took Taz to the vet, met Christa for lunch
June 5th: Went to Target with mom, did yardwork at Mr B's parents house, drove to Waco
June 6th: drove back to Austin, cleaned house, dance class
June 7th: Work, meeting with Christa, hang out with mom after work until dance class at 7:30
8th-11th: work, gym, dance, photography class, take friend to the airport, drive to Waco, Drive back to Austin
Weekend: dance, Nephew's baptism, pick friend up from the airport
14th-20th: work, dance, gym, work on website, take photos, dance, meet with Janie and Mr B, photography class, throw a birthday party for a friend, celebrate Father's Day
21st-23rd: work, spend Wednesday after work with mom until dance class
24th: spend day with mom at Office, photography class
25th: read, lunch with friends, pilates, movies with Mr B.
26th: Dottie's Party
27th: "Robin Hood" with dad, hang out with mom, meet up with friend haven't seen in 6 months in the evening.
28th: get a massage, hang out with mom from 2:30-7, then dance class
29th: nothing written down, have no idea, same with 30th
July 1st: work at H&H, lunch with Mr. B, photography class
2nd: pilates
weekend of the 4th: nothing written down, but I know my roommate, her boyfriend, Mr B and myself bought fireworks and set them off.
July 5th: dance
6th: day with my mom in Waco
7th: dance
8th: medical day, two doctor's appointments, one trip to the vet, then photography class
9th: day with mom: Traget, lunch, grocery store, Midsommer Murder
10th: clean house, yardwork, run errands with my mom, go to the pool with Mr. B
11th: Car event with my dad, tv with my mom, watch end of a movie with two friends
12th: drive roommate to car dealership b/c her a/c is broken, then to work, then back to dealership, dance class, dinner with Mr B's grandparents.
13th-23 Seattle & Oregon
24th: Spa afternoon with my mom
25th: movie marathon with my dad: Salt, Inception, Despicable Me, Predators, Prince of Persia, Sorcerer's Apprentice
26th: Dentist, dance class
27th: Day with mom, lunch with Mr B, continue running errands with mom, dinner with Mr. B.
28th: Go to the dump, storage, buy boxes, dance
29th: another doctor's appointment, farwell lunch for roommate, move stuff to storage
30th: Moving day: move Mr B's roommate, go to storage, load my stuff and roommate's stuff, load Mr B's stuff, drive to Waco, unload.
31st: Drive back to Austin, attempt a dance class, schedule conflict, meet Kathleen at the pool, go by parent's house for a talk with dad and then part of a movie.
August 1st: help mom hang pictures
August 2nd: Dentist (filling), lunch with mom, dance class, clean house, gather cats, head to Waco
August 3rd: Waco day unpacking
August 4th: scheduled to attend a happy hour for a law thing, have to cancel, drive to Austin.
August 5th: drive back to Waco

That was my summer according to my planner. I now have two weeks until classes start. I had planned to do a lot in these next two weeks, but looks like some of what I had planned won't happen. For awhile I did not write because I knew my parents were reading this and I didn't want my confusion to anger or hurt them. It's been a rough summer. Becoming an adult is not easy. Becoming more yourself is not easy either. Especially when some people don't like who you are becoming.

I've done a lot of soul searching lately, listened to advice from everyone I respect and trust, and at the end of the day I'm still a bit uncertain. Some people's advice has been easy to follow, other's have not. I'm trying hard to 'keep going' based on what I believe is the right thing to do, but one of the very people who has taught me how to be myself and shaped me into the person I'm in does not like who I am. This saddens me greatly.

Becoming an adult is hard. It means making decisions based on what you know and what you believe to know. And once you've made a decision you believe in, sticking with it. I find myself once again struggling with what I always struggle with, making other people happy and making myself happy at the same time. It's nearly impossible to do both all the time. It seems making myself happy this summer has not made other people very happy. Normally, at least normal for the past few years as I battled with depression, I'd weakly give in and make those other people happy, hoping that would in turn make me happy. Sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't. I finally feel free of depression and I attempted to concentrate on building myself back up this summer. Finding myself again. Apparently doing this hurt other people. For this I am sorry. I never thought finding myself and working to improve myself would cause others pain.

And now I'm going to continue pondering how to best sort my life.