Finding Faith

I'm setting a goal for myself for the second half of this year. I want to go to church four times. I know that doesn't seem like much, but it's better than nothing. I'm not a very religious person. I must say, I'm very spiritual, more so than some people who actually are affiliated. But I've always lacked a key thing: faith.

For years I've had many different justifications. First was that I didn't think so much bad could possibly occur to so many good if there was indeed a system such as the ones I've heard of. I grew up and moved past that. Then I rebelled against religion as I saw it as a drug for the masses, something people turned to when they could no longer help themselves. A brain washing for the majority. For others a last resort. This was a hard belief to shake as people continue to prove it right. Or seem to. I realize this over generalizing, and so now I've moved past that too.

I've come to the point where I see my problem. I see where I am stuck. It's not with the God issue. I have a God, it might not be your God, but it's a God of sorts. This is not the problem. The problem is faith. I stumble. I fall into this web of logic. A web which refuses to intertwine with faith. It seems to stop just short. It's a path a few steps away, but dirt has been thrown over the jog in the path I'm on and the two appear just that, two. Not one. I spent undergrad learning about various religions and none of them fit just right. I struggle with Christianity because of Christ, but I struggle with Judaism because of the way God is portrayed. So I think some church time is called for. Christ seemed cool. I'm just not to the point of saying he was a savior. Inspirational yes. Died for my sins, unsure. There is my hangup. I feel like I could put aside all the other little things as little things. This I feel is a big thing. It's in the name of the religion. It must matter.

So here I am. We shall see where this goal takes me. Perhaps I do not need to have a religion. But it seems important to people. And in truth, I would feel like an impostor going to a church when I would not call myself one of 'them'.